i seem to have lost some friends recently.
the first is confusing and worrying. i don't know why we are no longer friends but there's no mistaking it. you end up second guessing everything you said or did to find out if it was your fault after all.
if i were able to relive the last 5 months i can be 100% sure i'd do everything differently. i think you can spend so much time trying to behave how you think you should, it end up being the very thing that gets in the way. you can spend too much time applying a cold logic to every interaction with someone.
be honest to yourself and behave as you see fit. not how you think you're expected to, not how other people tell you to, but how you feel is good and right by you.
the second. well i know what happened here. i just don't know what to do about it. as far as i am aware i have done what i can, apologised. but i've apologised for the wrong thing. which is frustrating to me because the 'right' thing doesn't exist. all it would have taken was an explanation, but that was pushed aside. the next move isn't mine.
lessons in life i suppose.
today i am exercising and kind of bloody minded stubborn happiness.
i can't cope with silent arguments.
shouting, screaming, attacking with words? easy.
violence and physical force? been there, done that.
but silence? it tears me up.
So I bring you this update from my blackberry. This little piece of technology is fucking awesome.
I'm sat watching wrestling (Randy Orton YUM) while playing about on livejournal. Who needs a laptop right?
I'm getting brain fuzz a lot at the moment. I don't really know what's going on with so much 'stuff' I'm just, sort of, coasting. Letting things happen as they do and being the best person for it.